Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
