I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We talked him into tasing himself.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
