I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
