got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
