I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
