Your face is a jimmy john
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Who died my cat blue again?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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