One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
