Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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