I wish I could punch you in the face.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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