Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
