Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the day after is always just damage control
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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