i just had sex bonerless
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
There are leaves in my underwear?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
