You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
