What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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