the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
