GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
