Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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