Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
