He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
FUCK WHALES
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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