actually, I'm a sock model
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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