Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
