I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
