Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Randomize