i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Welp...herpes.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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