Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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