you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
