Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize