Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
