I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
