Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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