So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
