the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
