Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this just has baby written all over it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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