my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
