did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
