John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
