need another drink. this is the easiest way
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
