I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
