I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
