Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You left your underwear on the fireplace
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
