so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I could fuck to npr.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
