you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
