you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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