I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
