Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
