I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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