I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
