i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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