Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
