census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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