Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
