did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
