Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
