Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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