fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
