He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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