my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize