Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
