Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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