I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
