Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
