Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize