i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
