My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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