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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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